How to penetrate penis into vagina

Step 1 If I know anything about vaginas, it’s that they are attached to women. This means in order to get to a vagina, you’ve got to get to a woman first. I’ve heard finding a woman is tough. I think finding them is the easy part, it’s getting them to take their pants off that’s tricky. You have to hit the hot spots: women’s clothing stores, maternity wards, and women's bathrooms. I prefer women’s bathrooms because half of the time they’re pants are down already. Step 2 This has got to be the most difficult step. You actually have to pay attention to the hole on the other side of the body. This hole could be as good as the vagina, except it talks. The day the vagina starts talking is a dark day indeed. So let’s get back to that face hole. When approaching a woman, use a compliment sandwich. “Hi. You have nice hair, I want to penetrate your vagina, and your shoes are cool.” Step 3 By this time her pants should be around her ankles. Make sure you’re still not in the bathroom. You may think it’s a good idea, but you’ll end up in a bad pop song. To avoid this, carry her to the nearest bed. The only exception to this rule is your parent’s bed. The only exception to THAT rule is if they happen to be feeling frisky. From there, you’re on your own, tiger. Step 4 Let’s recap. You have your woman laid out on a bed, pants around the ankles, and you’re about to part the red sea. The best way to get her to spread is to say “spread your legs.” They usually will. If that doesn’t work, wing it. I’ve heard saying “please” and “I make a lot of money” has worked for others. Step 5 Once you’ve got her legs spread, begin to reach for her undergarments, but suddenly pull out a rose. You should always carry a rose with you, that way you can be “spontaneously” romantic. The woman will be so taken in by your sudden splash of romance, that she will yell “please take off my underwear!” You’re all clear to remove the penis shield, cowboy. Step 6 At this point you should be staring at your vagina head on. You may want to take your penis and insert it now, but you must prepare yourself before any of that. First off, make sure your penis is erect. To test this, look at a photo of a flaccid penis and compare the two. If yours has significantly more veins showing, you’re golden. If not, you may want to reconsider your sexuality. You cannot penetrate a vagina with a limp penis, I’ve tried and it’s nearly impossible. Take out your condom now and remove it from its package. If you have forgotten your condom, be aware that you may transform into an antropomorphic pig. Put the condom on so that it’s covering the entire penis. Simply placing it on top of your penis will not do, sorry. The condom will provide you protection from the rough jagged inner walls of the vagina. Step 7 Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try warming up the vagina by shoving a hair curler up it. The woman may not like that and shut off access to her vagina, and then it’s back to step one. The proper way to warm up a vagina is metaphorically. This means preparing her for the actual penetration by stretching it. Use a giant vibrator to wear her out so she won’t even feel how small your penis is. I’ll trust you have a giant vibrator with you. Step 8 This is what you have been waiting for, isn’t it? She’s on a bed, pants off, legs spread, underwear gone, condom on, parents possibly involved, this is it. Take your penis, and line it right up with her vagina. Don’t aim too low or you’ll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. Once you’re lined up, move forward until it is completely inside. Congratulations! You have penetrated the vagina! Step 9 Quickly pull out your penis and run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. If there is a wall, improvise. Run all the way home and give your wife a high five!